(The purpose of this piece is to try and be a lot more descriptive in my writing, because these essays were very descriptive, and all of your guys' essays also rock at it!)
The room is always a splash of bright colors and an organized mess. For the first couple of times I enter through the doorway, the arrangement of the beds and desks are different each time. I memorize the new set-ups with ease; the wall of quotes, pictures, posters, calendars, all are unchanging, and where I fall there will always be something soft to catch me, so the specific arrangement matters little.
Jasmine's bed always has too many pillows, the color red washing over her belongings like she spilled Kool-Aid one day and never washed it out, and Spider-man is always visible in the carnage. Natasha's spaces are organized yet tasteful, with post-it notes and a tucked in green comforter on the bed, and every thing she owns screams "teacher." Megan's bed feels the softest, like a cloud wrapping me in a hug, and her purple cover is never wrinkle free, and there's a crevice by the wall that serves the purpose of swallowing our phones, but I soon claim her area as my own.
I start to fall into a pattern in the room before I realize it. My shoes are instantly kicked off by the closets, and my coat joins Jasmine's on the back of her wooden decorated plastic chair. All of my belongings become covered in the hair that hides within the rug, and I'm constantly plucking long strands from my clothes in a never-ending battle that I'm sure to lose (the hair always wins). I can smell something in the room, sometimes, similar to the flowery scent that is constantly on my tail. I've made a mark, a claim, I've taken possession of the smallest part of that corner of Megan's bed, and nobody seems to mind.
They text me to join them late in the evening. We curl together, six of us, a jumble of legs covered in ripped jeans and creased t-shirts and sprawling arms, all on that cloud, and our soft words dissolve into the night air. The bed welcomes us home with a comforting hug.
Emily,
ReplyDeletePersonally, I think you did a great job at adding description. This style of writing really suits you. I am in love with the line: Jasmine's bed always has too many pillows, the color red washing over her belongings like she spilled Kool-Aid one day and never washed it out.
The details you include really add to the piece. Especially, "organized mess", "everything she owns screams 'teacher'".
I really enjoy that though you are including more detail you don't lose your inner thought process. You still talk about how you memorize the room every time it changes and that you fall into the pattern without realizing this. I think this gives the reader insight into you.
Gotta agree about Jasmine's pillows. In fact, read the first two paragraphs outloud, and see if you don't just love the second one more than the first. A possible beginning?
DeleteMeanwhile, if this were a sonnet what would the turn be? Is an essay about good friends enough? This one almost is.
I love " I've made a mark, a claim, I've taken possession of the smallest part of that corner of Megan's bed, and nobody seems to mind." This is great because it shows how precious this moment is. I think you could bring out the personalities of your friends more, so the reader can feel connected in this room of the cloud nine bed. I love your descriptions, you a very accurate way of showing things as they appear to be, which I really like. I think your descriptions lets readers see what kind of interpretations you take away from something so simple.
ReplyDeleteNice suggestion Danielle. The personalities of these folks would seem to need to come out more.
DeleteThen again, this is a really small piece. Could be that there just needs to be one punch. Maybe EC knows exactly who each of these friends is in the group and wonders if she's as easily definable, for better and worse.
Really good start, I thought.
Along with Camille, I also love your use of descriptions. I have noticed that they are excellent in every essay/post of yours that I have read. It does seem a little short though, but it was supposed to be, so it all fits together pretty well!
ReplyDelete