I remember the grassy, sloped front yard of a house on
Virginia Lane back home. The blades of green were clinging to their last leg of
life, the flowers already hidden away for the year. I remember the feel of
giddy unknown hidden among the scenery, with memory of summer laced in the
sound of birds, memory of kisses on the black tar of the driveway, memory of
gentle hands down by the drain where I took care of a stray cat, once. Although
it was dark, at the time, and my eyes were only meant to focus on one thing, so
perhaps I was just imagining all of these things. I remember the way the yard
made things seem exciting and hopeful, stretched out far past the reach of a
young man bent on one knee, buzzing in sync with his contagious energy. Or
maybe it was me that was buzzing. I remember events of importance and events of
no consequence witnessed by a brick home, but this occasion surely fell under
the first category. I remember so many things that night looking back, but
question what I could have possibly been thinking in that moment. Did the earth’s
chosen shape around me matter at all, did anything matter at all, but the
terrifying yet wonderful changes I could see happening right before me?
I remember a house on
Virginia Lane with a beautiful front yard where a young boy grew to be a wonderful
man. And I remember when that man, and that front yard, chose me.
Wow you really paint a picture in this piece! You set up a really good visual scene! I like that you include some things that are innate to summer that everyone can relate too, but you also include descriptors that are unique to your experience. I think you could elaborate on the changes that you could see and overall what this meant to you.
ReplyDeleteStay warm!
I really like your use of description! I definitely like your description of your physical surroundings. I would like to know more about what was going on through head, while experiencing this beautiful moment, so I think you could use just a little more reflection. This is beautifully written!
ReplyDeleteThe use of descriptive language here is phenomenal. You do a great job of pairing words that one wouldn't expect. For example: "memory of kisses on the black tar of the driveway". I've never heard anything like that before. Not to mention the fact that the ending is clearly very personal and sweet. As has been stated before me, the only thing it seems to be missing is a bit more reflective commentary.
ReplyDeleteMy stomach was filled with butterflies as I read this. The writing is beautiful, the specific event that you are writing about is clear and defined even though you did not state it outright. You really capture the essence of this relationship and the memories you provide give an added sweetness that hits us at the end.
ReplyDeleteNot to sound like a broken record, but I agree that this seems to be lacking a bit of reflective commentary.
This scene is entirely too sweet. I think I need to go chew on something bitter for awhile, curse you! :P
Okay, I was hooked by the second sentence. "The blades of green were clinging to their last leg of life, the flowers already hidden away for the year." God, that's so beautiful. LOVE.
ReplyDeleteAnd then you went and topped it with this: "I remember events of importance and events of no consequence witnessed by a brick home…" SO GOOD. That's such a great way to describe the way that the memories belonging to childhood/young adulthood are both tragic and nostalgic. They seem to happen all at once, one day after another, making going back so bittersweet.
Also love the reference to the earth being round. Sometimes in life it feels like we're stuck in a cycle and we wonder if that's beneficially or limiting. Great way to quietly address that.
Geeze, this is so good. Really great work.
*beneficial
DeleteLove it! You did a good job on providing lots of descriptions about the front yard, and the use of abstract is a plus! I particularly liked the line: with memory of summer laced in the sound of birds. It's one thing to describe something, but another(better) thing to tie it with something personal from the writer. This piece is also well paced to create a calm tone that comes strong at the end when you said the man and the front yard chose you. The topic you chose is a perfect fit with the 'I remember' assignment. No criticism for now. Awesome sauce!
ReplyDelete"I remember so many things that night looking back, but question what I could have possibly been thinking in that moment." This is a great concept. It makes me curious if our mind of the past is just as important as the past itself. I would like to think so, but it would almost be impossible to accurately do without coming off as disingenuous. What would be cool would be to write down your thoughts in a single moment, and then years down the road use those thoughts as a backbone for a narrative.
ReplyDeleteMy favorite part of your story is "the grassy, sloped front yard." It just sounds nice with the consonance you have going on. Other than that, keep up the great work.
What is your artistic relationship to mystery?
ReplyDelete